I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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