I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
