we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
