Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
