the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
