having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
