Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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