I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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