the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
