apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My vagina just recognized that song.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize