yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
