I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
