Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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