I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize