just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
