That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
