sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
