Barsexuality is the new black.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
