insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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