When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
