Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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