im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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