1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
