Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
