I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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