you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
