My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
