She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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