Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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