i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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