thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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