God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
