so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
