Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
