its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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