the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
