I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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