Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Enjoy the penises
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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