someone threw a dead crab at me
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
