I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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