I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
