at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
