and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
