I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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