did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
