i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
