I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
