My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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