Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
