i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
did you just send me my own nude
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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