Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
