one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
