If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
And then he peed in my hair
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