I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
