I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
