I didn't shave. On purpose
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
