My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Holy sore nipples Batman
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
