Will you blow on my dice?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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